The internal clock at 7 am
I may be sniveling, still, but at least Iām sleeping okay. Thatās something that can be tricky for me, Iāve had trouble with sleep over the years. Part of it is, or was, believing Iāve had a bad nightās sleep. If you believe that, you wonāt wake up energized. Youāll wake up with a tired sigh, not the best way to start the day. Various sleep trackers disproved that to me, years ago, but I still wonāt believe it, and thus I keep tracking my sleep.
Thereās another aspect that tells me Iāve slept well, and thatās my internal clock. Iāve got this thing that if I set the alarm for, say, 7:30 am, I will wake up a minute or two before, so I wonāt have to listen to it go off. Or, as itās been the past couple of days, I note the time when Iām done reading for the night, and just think to myself āitās okay to get up at 7 amā because thatās the appropriate amount of sleep. Sure enough, thatās when I wake up.
Getting up is a different matter. I used to get up an hour or so before everyone else in the past. I made coffee, and sat down to write, every day. It was a very productive time, and it worked well for me. This was before having a kid in the house, or apartment, as it were; thus thereās no way I can grind coffee and get some work done before the family wakes up. Heād be up, cranky, and curious, and thatād be that. Then again, itās an every other week situation, so maybe I could get an every other week habit going? Sounds hard, habits have a tendency to not stay habit if you break them off, but it might be possible.
Itās just past 7:20 am as Iām wrapping this up. Yesterdayās essay on Joan Didion was written just after seven in the morning. I havenāt ground any coffee beans, so excuse the lack of caffeine-infused thoughts, but it does seem as if I can function without coffee. Itās probably an excuse, in the end, as most things are. If you truly want something, youāll make it work (or die trying), somehow.
And I, I kind of want to go back to the warm bed. Thatās what Iām battling here, the fact that my better half is still snoozing in the bedroom, and itās nice to wake up together. Itās a much better place than where Iām at now, in the living room, craving coffee and listening to my tinnitus.
But, there are words to write. And thatās important too. My solitary early mornings, and the horrendous feeling this time of day fill me with, might be the price I have to pay to properly do what I truly want. Because come 9 am, the Real Worldā¢ļø kicks in, and while I can dodge it for a while, some days, itāll be here full force before noon.
I guess Iāll set my internal clock for 7 am tomorrow, too. Please send coffee.